Complicated relationship

I have this feeling of being afraid all the time, but yet I still faced it everytime. It became problem just in these recent years, as my anxiety has lead me to poor work and study performance.
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It also lead me to have complicated relationship with my supervisor during my study years.

When I said that I'm afraid of her, it doesn't mean I am afraid of what she looked like. I'm afraid of what she thinks about me.

I'm so afraid, that I seldom met her. When I tell others about my problem of "being afraid" they said it's normal for a supervisee to be afraid.

What they don't know is, the feeling not just because of who she is to me, it also connected to what I think she would think about me.

One day I told her, "I'm afraid of you".

She asked, why? I can't give her the answer to her question. The feeling is intense, until I want to hide when we cross each other. Now only I know it is because of my anxiety.

But it's already too late.

Elin Mohamad
#BeingResilient